I haven't been too nervous of the birth since I first found out I was pregnant and had a minor panic attack. I have always been told I would have another section if I were to have a second child so I psyched myself up for the big operation, convinced myself it was what I wanted and the best thing to do. I went to my 20 week scan last week and met with my consultant (same guy as I had with Ella) for the first time and discussed the birth plan and any issues I had. Given that I had no issues the birth was top billing and he gave me a run down of my options. He basically told me that having looked into the notes of my previous pregnancy there should be no medical reason I can't give birth naturally this time and that when it is possible that is always what they recommend. He took my initially C-section wishes in to consideration but made me aware I may not have that choice. SHIT!
So.. since that day I'm been pretty much freaking out. I go back and forth between what I should do. I'm fairly confident that if I 100% wanted another section I could get one by some means. I have very little confidence that I will go through labour and actually manage to get the baby out without surgical intervention because of my previous experience so in part I think is it not just better to elect the caesarean and know what's going to happen but if I DID manage a natural birth the recover would be 100 times quicker and easier and I would have my body back almost immediately. That's a huge plus point. If I go for the section again we're talking 6 weeks until I can even drive! The discomfort lasts about a fortnight but there's always the risk of infection and other complications with any major operation. They are literally slicing through several layers of me and sewing them all back up.. let's just say it's sore! On top of that I will go in to it this time totally sober. The first time I was pretty much off my head on all kinds of drugs by the time they wheeled me into surgery but I would be seriously aware of everything this time.. that's pretty f***ing scary!
My questions now are
- Will I be allowed to go overdue? (I went 2 weeks with Ella and had to be induced.. I think that's a big part of the reason I had emergency surgery in the end)
- How long will I be allowed to be in labour before they intervene?
- If I do book in for an elective section what happens if I go in to labour before it?
I think they are my big burning questions for my next midwife appointment and knowing me I'll forget to ask any of them but they are really now my deciding factors. I like the idea of going in to labour and it being very exciting and all that but I didn't have that last time, I was 2 weeks late then induced THREE TIMES before anything started to happen and it was then another 24 hours before she was born. I had the epidural and had thr gas and air, the Pethadin.. anything going basically and I was in established labour! I was dialating, I was feeling the urge to push and then I go whisked off in to theatre and sliced open anyway. If I was told for sure I could have a natural birth and that yes of course it was going to hurt and yes I would probably need an episiotomy to get the baby out but I could do it and I would definitely not be given a section then I think that would be my choice but deep down I just know I wont get that. I know if I go in to labour it will all end the same way anyway. The consultant himself said that an elective is always better than an emergency (duh) and I THINK that when I see him again in another 15 weeks if I am adamant that I want an elective section he will give me one but.. what if he doesn't? I just wish I could prepare myself either way. When you've only had a natural labour or no labour at all these questions don't arise but for me it's all I think about.
I'm trying to forget about it until my next appointment for now.. nothing is going to happen between now and another 3 or 4 weeks so I'm trying to just enjoy this phase of pregnancy but that consultant really threw me off my game.
You can probably expect more rambling posts like this from time to time when the stress gets so much I need an outlet but more than anything I needed to have written down my worries so in 15 weeks time I will remember how I felt now and all the questions I have for the man that holds all the cards. He decides my fate after all. I'm completely out of control!