It's On!

It's done, it's booked, we have a date! The official ETA of our baby is 15th November.

I have been fretting about this consultant appointment for approximately 9 months and it could not have gone smoother. We arrived at 10.10 this morning, waited an absolute age for the doctor to see us (all the while freaking out on the inside - what if they make me push??? I don't want to push!!!) The doctor arrived and said "so... have you decided on a mode of delivery?" I said "I'd like a C-Section please" and she said... "no problem".

NO PROBLEM!!! I cannot tell you the relief I felt. After my first delivery I was nearly put off having more children altogether. I was 2 weeks overdue and they induced me..well... they attempted! They actually attempted 3 times between 8am and 8pm and at 10pm I was told visiting hours were over and so was left all alone in a 4 bed hospital room.. in the dark. 19, very pregnant and very scared. By 11 I was feeling contractions and I'd experienced some kind of waters breaking (a minor leak I was reliably informed) but I was not allowed anyone to come and be with me as I was not in "established labour" and as I knew.. visiting hours were over. During the course of the evening I was given various pain relief ranging from.. a hot bath (wtf? I was wailing in agony in said bath and did they care? no!) Gas and Air (fabulous by the way... if you ever get the opportunity you must try it!) and finally Pethidine. The final needle seemed to do the trick as I was found by my Mum at 8am the following morning sitting in a chair staring in to space... pretty much out of it. From there it's all a bit of a blur. They took me to a birthing suite where I was given an epidural, more fabulous gas and air, had several unsuccessful baths and a horrendous moment on a birthing ball. All of this led to an emergency C-Section at around 6pm as I was "not progressing" and the baby was "in distress". I'd like to mention at this stage that various medical professionals had "measured" me throughout the day and I'd been told I was at 7cm.. the head honcho that finally came in and took charge announced I'd never reached more than 3 and that I should never have been left as long as I had. Nice.

You can perhaps see why the mad dash through the don't-sue-us if-we-kill-you-on-the-operating-table paperwork and being wheeled down to theatre in my bed didn't leave a warm, fuzzy memory of birth for me. I suffered post natal depression, didn't bond with my baby for some months and regularly saw a counsellor who asked me "on a scale of one to ten, how many times have you thought of killing yourself this week?" (for the record I've never considered suicide but apparently that's a standard question).

For the duration of my pregnancy I've had everything crossed that a planned section would be allowed but there has been that doubt in the back of my mind. They didn't have to say yes... they could have thought I was just too posh to push and made an example of me. They could have flat our said no. At the end of the day there's no "good" reason why I can't try labour... but I really, REALLY don't want to. Don't get me wrong if I wake up tomorrow having full on contractions and get to the hospital to find I'm ready to push I'll give it my best shot but in my heart of hearts I don't think that's going to happen. I expect a repeat of the first birth and to be frank... if I don't have to go through it.. why would I? I didn't feel like I was robbed of a magical experience. Labour f***king hurts.. it's not rainbows and sparkles and then the baby appears out of a cloud of fairy dust. There are these mother earth types who will be so against my choice to elect an op but dya know what? Screw them! It's my body, my baby.. my decision.

So when I got the go ahead from the consultant today I felt like jumping for joy. She told me it was totally my call and they would support my decision, went through all of the formalities, told me what will happen on the day, when to arrive, when to stop eating, when to take my meds etc etc. It all seems so calm and straight forward. I can't wait! I'm not saying I'm not scared 'cause by jingo I am.. I'm not relishing the thought of being sliced open and having a serious operation to recover from at the same time as a newborn but I did it before and this time I'm prepared. The date we will go in is 15th November so I know that he will definitely be here by then.. I could go into labour before then and if I do I can call the hospital and they'll operate then and there (or I could give labour a whizz if I was feeling daring). Either way I feel 100% better knowing I have the backing of the doc and they really did want to make it as comfortable for me as possible. I don't know if it's my age or that policies have changed but I'm feeling really positive so far. The best thing is Lee will be able to stay with me for my entire stay.. he can sleep in the chair next to me if he feels like it and can visit whenever he wants which is awesome!

I'm so excited now... Baby Milo will be here 3 weeks on Tuesday!

To Push Or Not To Push?

I haven't been too nervous of the birth since I first found out I was pregnant and had a minor panic attack. I have always been told I would have another section if I were to have a second child so I psyched myself up for the big operation, convinced myself it was what I wanted and the best thing to do. I went to my 20 week scan last week and met with my consultant (same guy as I had with Ella) for the first time and discussed the birth plan and any issues I had. Given that I had no issues the birth was top billing and he gave me a run down of my options. He basically told me that having looked into the notes of my previous pregnancy there should be no medical reason I can't give birth naturally this time and that when it is possible that is always what they recommend. He took my initially C-section wishes in to consideration but made me aware I may not have that choice. SHIT!

So.. since that day I'm been pretty much freaking out. I go back and forth between what I should do. I'm fairly confident that if I 100% wanted another section I could get one by some means. I have very little confidence that I will go through labour and actually manage to get the baby out without surgical intervention because of my previous experience so in part I think is it not just better to elect the caesarean and know what's going to happen but if I DID manage a natural birth the recover would be 100 times quicker and easier and I would have my body back almost immediately. That's a huge plus point. If I go for the section again we're talking 6 weeks until I can even drive! The discomfort lasts about a fortnight but there's always the risk of infection and other complications with any major operation. They are literally slicing through several layers of me and sewing them all back up.. let's just say it's sore! On top of that I will go in to it this time totally sober. The first time I was pretty much off my head on all kinds of drugs by the time they wheeled me into surgery but I would be seriously aware of everything this time.. that's pretty f***ing scary!

My questions now are

• Will I be allowed to go overdue? (I went 2 weeks with Ella and had to be induced.. I think that's a big part of the reason I had emergency surgery in the end)
• How long will I be allowed to be in labour before they intervene?
• If I do book in for an elective section what happens if I go in to labour before it?

I think they are my big burning questions for my next midwife appointment and knowing me I'll forget to ask any of them but they are really now my deciding factors. I like the idea of going in to labour and it being very exciting and all that but I didn't have that last time, I was 2 weeks late then induced THREE TIMES before anything started to happen and it was then another 24 hours before she was born. I had the epidural and had thr gas and air, the Pethadin.. anything going basically and I was in established labour! I was dialating, I was feeling the urge to push and then I go whisked off in to theatre and sliced open anyway. If I was told for sure I could have a natural birth and that yes of course it was going to hurt and yes I would probably need an episiotomy to get the baby out but I could do it and I would definitely not be given a section then I think that would be my choice but deep down I just know I wont get that. I know if I go in to labour it will all end the same way anyway. The consultant himself said that an elective is always better than an emergency (duh) and I THINK that when I see him again in another 15 weeks if I am adamant that I want an elective section he will give me one but.. what if he doesn't? I just wish I could prepare myself either way. When you've only had a natural labour or no labour at all these questions don't arise but for me it's all I think about.

I'm trying to forget about it until my next appointment for now.. nothing is going to happen between now and another 3 or 4 weeks so I'm trying to just enjoy this phase of pregnancy but that consultant really threw me off my game.

You can probably expect more rambling posts like this from time to time when the stress gets so much I need an outlet but more than anything I needed to have written down my worries so in 15 weeks time I will remember how I felt now and all the questions I have for the man that holds all the cards. He decides my fate after all. I'm completely out of control!