Be warned right now that this post contains period talk... TMI? We're not talking graphic imagery here people.. just reference! I took a test (of course) a week ago.. early! I took a test which promised to tell me my result SIX days before my missed period... well... I used it SIX days before and got a Big Fat Negative. Ugh! This was Friday.
Every month I like to take an early test, I think somehow I believe it will soften the blow when Aunt Flow finally does arrive... it doesn't. This month was no different and on Wednesday I felt the same pains I usually do but... no period. Thursday came and went with even more painful backache and abdominal cramps but again... no period.. not even a little one. So here I am on Friday morning trying my level best not to be hopeful and finding it increasingly difficult. This happened once before, I am always due on Wednesday and occasionally is will be Thursday morning but after Thursday it's officially late and only once has it been Friday. I was so convinced I was pregnant, I even threw up... and then it arrived. Of course this was the same day we were all let go from work and I think the stress got to me a little so perhaps that's what caused the nausea... and possibly the late period. Every month I can think of some stress I have that would cause a missed or late period or even me not to ovulate as I suspect has happened once or twice. I don't know how to manage my own expectations, it's horrible. I now just want it to come and get it over with, I'm already having the cramps so why not just come already.. I know it's going to! There's an unspoken hope between us both when I say it still hasn't come.. we both act like that's a bad thing because we are assuming it will come it's just prolonging the inevitable but I know we are both hoping it doesn't and I am finally pregnant.
Work-wise it feels there is never a good time. There are a lot of things in the pipeline right now and lots of choices to make that are near impossible with the constant uncertainty of my near future.
Everytime I have a bad day I think "if I could just find out I'm pregnant.. it would make everything else more bearable" but would it? I imagine this day I get my positive I will freak out... 9months later I am resigning myself to a painful labour or a major operation (Ella was a C-Section) none of my clothes will fit, as I get fatter I will feel unattractive, I can't drink, the backache is terrible... there are so many negatives to being pregnant.. but still I hope.
So I leave you still dreaming but not knowing yet
Although I'm in limbo... this is my favourite time of month.. when I can dare to believe.
I know I say this every month but I really think this is the month!
I've had twinges galore and just a general positivity about the whole thing.. maybe! just maybe!
Do I really dare think that? There are many plans I am currently making and deliberating over and a pregnancy would sway me one way or another... holidays for example...
I'd love to go to Vegas and have a full on summer holiday by the pool but I don't fancy sunning myself in a bikini with a 6 month baby bump.. I could go to New York which I think I'd prefer.. no bikinis but a lot of walking around and no alcohol.. no cocktails? in New York?
They say when you're trying you should make plans and forget about it.. almost tempting fate in your favour but I don't want to spend a huge amount of money on a big holiday and then not be in a position to enjoy myself.
I'm just convinced I am pregnant! I will not post again for at least another week.. then I should know.
When I do get my positive I don't know when I will be able to announce it because of work etc.. there are people I will need to tell first of course but you will know as soon as possible... everything crossed that might be this month!
I have many resolutions this year relating to the different aspects of my life. The ones I am about to share with you should positively impact my baby making in 2011.
I of course wish to be pregnant before the year is out.. better still ..have a baby (there's time!!)
I want to think less about trying to get pregnant,
I am going to try to stress less about work,
I want to relax more together.
These resolutions might sound simple but they aren't. Trying not to think about something is the worst! I stress out about everything at work, I put too much pressure on myself and I know that is not helping the conception process. Lastly, relax, I feel like we get no us time anymore, I'm always so tired and I just haven't got any spare time to spend with Lee but in the New Year that will change.
Check my other blogs for my none pregnancy related resolutions
I'm often researching online the best ways to aid pregnancy. I've found articles about everything from special cooling boxer shorts to different positions that are supposedly best for conception.
Every site gives different opinions, each has different advice so what really is for the best?
The main query I have right now is how often we should "try".. So I left Lee home one Saturday whilst I was working and gave him the job of finding this out.. This was my first mistake. Whether he actually looked it up or not I will never know because his answer was of course going to be "as often as possible" no matter what the experts said. I decided I would look into it myself and I discovered that nobody has any idea. You would think that the "as often as possible" theory is probably accurate after all but when supplying a sample for testing you have to abstain for 48 hours... why is this? If regular sex doesn't affect the quality of his sperm then why the abstinence? I have read that there is some merit to "keeping the river flowing" ... Some studies have shown that daily ejaculation may improve sperm quality... 118 men were included in a 2009 study and that's what they come up with? it MAY improve? According to BabyMed.com couples who were trying to conceive were previously told to have sex every other day but are now being told that every day is more effective... if his sperm is ok. So maybe that's why I'm so confused. In those " rare circumstances" where the man does not have enough sperm the every other day rule still applies. ugh! Right now we don't know if the Varicocele Embolisation worked. He has another test booked in for mid February so we shouldn't have much longer to wait. It will be 3 months since the procedure and they say it takes 3-6 months to take effect. Right now I guess I don't know what group we fall in to... during fertile days, every day or every other day? The waiting and the not knowing really can drive you crazy but at least the tests give us a little goal post. I can't help but wonder what we will do if all is not well. I assume that the embolisation will of course have worked but if it hasn't.. well.. it doesn't bare thinking about right now. I am in my ovulation period right now and so will once again be in my 2 week wait very soon. As always I will keep you posted and if I do get any great news you will be the first to know :)