Be warned right now that this post contains period talk... TMI? We're not talking graphic imagery here people.. just reference! I took a test (of course) a week ago.. early! I took a test which promised to tell me my result SIX days before my missed period... well... I used it SIX days before and got a Big Fat Negative. Ugh! This was Friday.
Every month I like to take an early test, I think somehow I believe it will soften the blow when Aunt Flow finally does arrive... it doesn't. This month was no different and on Wednesday I felt the same pains I usually do but... no period. Thursday came and went with even more painful backache and abdominal cramps but again... no period.. not even a little one. So here I am on Friday morning trying my level best not to be hopeful and finding it increasingly difficult. This happened once before, I am always due on Wednesday and occasionally is will be Thursday morning but after Thursday it's officially late and only once has it been Friday. I was so convinced I was pregnant, I even threw up... and then it arrived. Of course this was the same day we were all let go from work and I think the stress got to me a little so perhaps that's what caused the nausea... and possibly the late period. Every month I can think of some stress I have that would cause a missed or late period or even me not to ovulate as I suspect has happened once or twice. I don't know how to manage my own expectations, it's horrible. I now just want it to come and get it over with, I'm already having the cramps so why not just come already.. I know it's going to! There's an unspoken hope between us both when I say it still hasn't come.. we both act like that's a bad thing because we are assuming it will come it's just prolonging the inevitable but I know we are both hoping it doesn't and I am finally pregnant.
Work-wise it feels there is never a good time. There are a lot of things in the pipeline right now and lots of choices to make that are near impossible with the constant uncertainty of my near future.
Everytime I have a bad day I think "if I could just find out I'm pregnant.. it would make everything else more bearable" but would it? I imagine this day I get my positive I will freak out... 9months later I am resigning myself to a painful labour or a major operation (Ella was a C-Section) none of my clothes will fit, as I get fatter I will feel unattractive, I can't drink, the backache is terrible... there are so many negatives to being pregnant.. but still I hope.
So I leave you still dreaming but not knowing yet
Although I'm in limbo... this is my favourite time of month.. when I can dare to believe.