Denial

He's coming tomorrow. Tomorrow I am having a major abdominal operation. I am very much not ready for this!Everyone is so excited for his arrival and I just can't get there yet. Too Scared. TOO SCARED!! From midnight tonight I am on fast so no food or drink until he's out and I'm back in the ward. It's just 1 hour until then. I doubt I will sleep tonight, TOO SCARED! We've just about packed up for the hospital, I think I have everything I need but who knows.. I'm sure I'll have forgotten something. I've washed all of the baby bedding for when he comes home, His nursery is ready, everything is ready... NOT ME! I've taken a long, hot bath, I've scrubbed within an inch of my life and will shortly be smothering myself in shea body butter and attempting to relax.

Tomorrows post will be filled with joy and, if all goes according to plan, his first baby photo. For now I am in deep denial. I am not going anywhere tomorrow, nothing is going to be pulled out of me and I am not going to have a scary-looking incision to look after and need to be doped up on pain killers for the next few weeks. Nope! Nope Nope Nope!!!  

Miss BB

It's Only Just Begun

I just edited my "baby break" video to upload to my beauty channel. I'd planned to film an explanatory video to put up on my channel page for while I am too busy with baby things to make new videos. It was almost emotional (maybe it was the music I chose for the background) and I just can't believe it's time to upload it. Tomorrow is my last day as a mother of one. Tuesday Milo will arrive and change our family forever. I am excited and scared and overwhelmed.. No matter when or how a baby comes in to your life I don't think you can ever be prepared for it. My mind is buzzing with so many questions, Will he be ok? Will I be ok? What will he look like? What will happen when we bring him home? How will Ella be around him? At the moment I am still very nervous about the surgery and so some of my baby nerves are being pushes aside but every now and then they force themselves back in and I remember... there's going to be a baby here soon. A baby! It feels like the longest time coming but also that time has zoomed away from me. We waited so long to conceive him that it took me a long time to accept he was really coming so my pregnancy has felt lightening fast. I'm growing uncomfortable and am looking forward to getting my body back but I'm not quite ready to not be pregnant yet. I feel like I've only just begun my pregnancy and it's already over. At first I said absolutely no more, I wanted a second child but not a brood and now I'm not so sure. I have the benefit of many child bearing years still lying ahead of me so I can never say never. As I sit in bed, unable to sleep for braxton hicks and fierce baby movements, it would be very sad to think this is the last time I will feel these things. I am so pleased he is coming in such little time but I will miss him when he's gone from me. 

Miss BB

I'm Gonna Miss My Bump

It's not really been a hindrance over these last 9 months and as it's grown you could even call is useful! 

I will miss my bump when it's gone!

Miss BB

Week 38

It would seem the now little Milo is fully formed and ready to go there are no in-utero updates to share. He's the size of a leek and approx 6.8lbs. I missed a midwife appointment so I don't know how big he is in reality but I have my final meeting this Friday, Scary stuff! I have all the little vials to take for them to fill with my blood in case I need a transfusion. I was a little puzzled about this myself as the won't take enough to give me if I do need one so... why do they take it? hmm! I can only assume it's to check I don't have any nasties in my blood before the operation. I have all of my paperwork and instructions of what to do the night before/morning of the operation. I will have to be up at 6am to take a pill which kinda sucks but I imagine I'll be too excited to sleep anyway. I'm getting really nervous about the c-section now. I know it's routine and it's still preferable to going through hours of labour and potentially having to go in as an emergency section anyway but knowing I will be totally lucid and aware of everything freaks me out. I was off my head on everything they'd give me by the time they rolled me in to theatre the first time.. this time will be very very different. I'm nervous of the spinal block going in, I'm nervous of it wearing off halfway through and I'm possibly MOST nervous of the pain that I'll feel after it's all over and I've regained feeling. OUCH! All I can imagine is it will be like people say when they come-to after cosmetic surgery (I watch lots of reality TV) they say it feels like they've been hit by a truck. I don't want to feel like I've been hit by a truck! But this time next week he will be here and I will have to face it either way. 

I'm really hoping that the emotion of his arrival will put me in a bit of a blur and before I know what's happening the Spinal will have worn off and they'll have topped me up with pain killers. We'll see. I'm not scared about his arrival or bringing him home, I'm actually starting to get excited now. It's really happening. As has been the case throughout my pregnancy, nobody is as excited as my Mum. I'm a bit concerned she might explode when she first visits. Ella is excited... off and on.. I think once he's home and well and I'm recovering she will love it but I get the impression she's worried about me because she knows I'm having surgery. I think she's put off her excitement a little for the same reasons I have... just get that bit over with and know that I'm fine and then I can enjoy it. His room and everything is still only almost done. We're going shopping tonight for all of the last bits and pieces we need. More blankets for example... MILK for another. We're nearly totally ready for him. 

Miss BB