OH MY GOD!

It turns out Lee's varicocele embolsation worked! His sperm count has tripled and what do you know... I'm pregnant!

and if that feint line doesn't convince you... watch this..

So.. I'm a little bit pregnant.

I can't quite believe it so I don't have much to say yet. All seems very surreal. I have wanted this for so long it seems a bit of an anti-climax to be able to do an at home test. I want a doctor to confirm this now..

Ugh! I don't know but I just can't quite believe it yet..

But that's the news..

HUH!

TMI

Be warned right now that this post contains period talk... TMI? We're not talking graphic imagery here people.. just reference! I took a test (of course) a week ago.. early! I took a test which promised to tell me my result SIX days before my missed period... well... I used it SIX days before and got a Big Fat Negative. Ugh! This was Friday.

Every month I like to take an early test, I think somehow I believe it will soften the blow when Aunt Flow finally does arrive... it doesn't. This month was no different and on Wednesday I felt the same pains I usually do but... no period. Thursday came and went with even more painful backache and abdominal cramps but again... no period.. not even a little one. So here I am on Friday morning trying my level best not to be hopeful and finding it increasingly difficult. This happened once before, I am always due on Wednesday and occasionally is will be Thursday morning but after Thursday it's officially late and only once has it been Friday. I was so convinced I was pregnant, I even threw up... and then it arrived. Of course this was the same day we were all let go from work and I think the stress got to me a little so perhaps that's what caused the nausea... and possibly the late period. Every month I can think of some stress I have that would cause a missed or late period or even me not to ovulate as I suspect has happened once or twice. I don't know how to manage my own expectations, it's horrible. I now just want it to come and get it over with, I'm already having the cramps so why not just come already.. I know it's going to! There's an unspoken hope between us both when I say it still hasn't come.. we both act like that's a bad thing because we are assuming it will come it's just prolonging the inevitable but I know we are both hoping it doesn't and I am finally pregnant.

Work-wise it feels there is never a good time. There are a lot of things in the pipeline right now and lots of choices to make that are near impossible with the constant uncertainty of my near future.

Everytime I have a bad day I think "if I could just find out I'm pregnant.. it would make everything else more bearable" but would it? I imagine this day I get my positive I will freak out... 9months later I am resigning myself to a painful labour or a major operation (Ella was a C-Section) none of my clothes will fit, as I get fatter I will feel unattractive, I can't drink, the backache is terrible... there are so many negatives to being pregnant.. but still I hope. 

So I leave you still dreaming but not knowing yet

Although I'm in limbo... this is my favourite time of month.. when I can dare to believe.

xoxo

miss bb 

Why do I do it?

Why do I do these things to myself?

My Period was due today (tmi? sorry but you can expect that kinda thing here) It's ALWAYS here by Thursday... ALWAYS!! Occasionally it may arrive unannounced on a Wednesday but it's NEVER late!

SO... It got to around 7pm and I'm thinking.. I could be.. it's not completely out of the realm of possibility is it? There's always a chance I could get pregnant right? I mean it only takes 1 sperm and 1 egg..

So around this day every month I feel that rush of hope, I love this time for that reason but hate it for the disappointment that inevitably follows. I always feel the symptoms :-

• sore boobs
• nausea
• menstraul cramps I believe to be "implantation pains"
• increased appetite
• always tired

The list could go on! I convince myself I'm pregnant every month.. every month the day my period is due I take a test... every month my period arrives later that same day. Today (so far) is different. It's 00.47 the following morning (late night) and Aunt Flow is still yet to arrive. At this point I am almost missing her...

Once I know I'm not pregnant I'd just rather get it out of the way. I'm lucky and she normally only visits for 3 days but always over a weekend when I have plans... bitch!

In all honesty if I knew I could get pregnant at the touch of a button I would probably wait a couple of months, maybe 'til we were married.. but knowing we are sure to have more fertility issues down the road I can't lose that time.. and it's not like I'd be disappointed if I fell pregnant now, I'd be over the moon.. just could be better timing. I'm hoping that our run of bad luck will work in our favour and it will finally happen in the most inconvenient month.. I'd take that kind of bad luck any day of the week!!

Anywho... We have to be up early to go to the hospital for Lee's blood tests.

Apparently they are testing for testosterone levels, We got a letter today and the consultant informs us we should receive word of when to expect his operation soon so that's good news... although I think Lee is secretly scared, he's putting on a brave face.

So yeah, I think that's us all updated.. I'll be back tomorrow no doubt, hopefully with pictures of a very pale Lee with a needle in his arm :p

xoxo

miss bb